Currently Untitled
by Jessa9
Summary: If anyone comes up with a brilliant title... or any title at all... tell me. Anyway, it has to do with Mulder. And Scully. Ans an assignment that has to do with... Jackie Chan...


Disclaimer: EVERYTHING IS MINE! MINE! …except the X-Files and Jackie Chan, I suppose. And I guess that part of the credit for this story should go to my friend (not Spoon-boy, someone else) for giving me the idea. But *I* made it up! MEEEEEE!

[MULDER and SCULLY are in SKINNER's office, with really surprised looks on their faces. SKINNER has just been telling them what their latest… assignment… is.]

SCULLY: How the hell are we supposed to arrest every person in the state of Maryland who knows who Jackie Chan is? *I* know who Jackie Chan is, for crying out loud!

SKINNER: I'd advise you not to let me hear that again. Just a little advice from a friend.  
MULDER: (jaw touches the floor. Literally)

SCULLY: Mulder, get off the ground.

MULDER: Sorry. (gets up and dusts himself off)

SKINNER: Well, off you go, agents. Make sure you arrest EVERY person who knows that name. EVERY. (pounds fist on desk) SINGLE. (pounds) ONE. (pounds)

[MULDER and SCULLY exit the office]

MULDER: What kind of assignment is that?!?

SCULLY: I don't know! But whatever the reason, it's probably YOUR fault!

MULDER (whimpers): Why is always MY fault? Why can't you take the blame for something once in a while? 

SCULLY: (rolls eyes) Because it IS always your fault. Don't try to deny it, Mulder. You know it's true.

MULDER: I refuse to acknowledge that. So there!

SCULLY: (sigh) We'd better get on with this, Mulder. There're a lot of people in Maryland. Right now, I'm just glad we're not in New York.

MULDER: Yeah. So, why don't we start with that guy? (points to random male agent #1(RMA1))

SCULLY: Whatever. Hey, you! What's your name?

RMA1: Um… Random Male Agent #1.

SCULLY & MULDER: What?!? 

RMA1: Don't ask me, that's what's in the script (shows them)

MULDER: Oookay. Whatever. So, Random Male Agent #1, do you know who Jackie Chan is?

RMA1: Uh… (glances at script) Yes.

SCULLY: You're under arrest, sir.

RMA1: Um… (sneaks a look at script) You don't have a warrant!

MULDER: Yes we do sir, it's right… here (produces warrant)

RMA1: Er… (looks at (guess) script) Drat!

[SCULLY snaps her fingers and two security guards handcuff RMA1 and drag him away. MULDER looks at SCULLY questioningly.]

SCULLY (in answer to unspoken question): I dunno. It's in the script.

MULDER: Okay then. Anyway, we better get a move on. Like you said, there are a lot of people in Maryland.

SCULLY: Hey, look, another agent! (points at Random Female Agent #1(RFA1))

MULDER: Okay, let's go!

SCULLY: Hey, you, do you know who Jackie Chan is?

RFA1: Um… (looks at script hidden in water bottle) You're supposed to ask me what my name is first.

MULDER: Really?

RFA1: Yeah, look. (shows them script)

SCULLY: Oh. So, what's your name?

RFA1: Er… (glances back at script) Random Female Agent #1.

MULDER: Interesting. So, do you know who Jackie Chan is?

RFA1: Uh… (glances you-know-where) No.

SCULLY: Okay. You're free to go.

RFA1: Erm… (looks at script again) But I wasn't even arrested!

MULDER: Oh yeah. Well, that doesn't matter, just move along, nothing to see here.

RFA1: Uhm… (looks you-know-where) Whatever. (leaves)

[Stuff goes on like this for a while. MULDER and SCULLY decide to split up after they get to RMA105. One of the more… interesting… encounters took place between MULDER and RFA237.]

MULDER: Hello, miss. May I ask you a few questions?

RFA237: Um… (glances at computer screen, on which a copy of the script is displayed) Sure.

MULDER: First and foremost, what is your name?

RFA237: Er… (glances at script) Random Female Agent #237.

MULDER: That's nice. Do you know who Jackie Chan is?

RFA237 (suspiciously): How do I know that YOU don't know who Jackie Chan is?

MULDER: You'll just have to trust me.

RFA237: What if I refuse to answer?

MULDER: I'll have to arrest you.

RFA237: You can't do that!

MULDER: I sure can!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: Yes I can!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: Yes I can!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: Yes I cam!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: Is this even in the script?

RFA237: No you… oh. Um… (looks) No.

MULDER: Hah! I'm having you arrested for butchering the script!

RFA237: You can't do that!

MULDER: Yes I can!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: Yes I can!

RFA237: No you can't!

MULDER: CAN TOO!

RFA237: CAN NOT!

MULDER: CAN TOO!

RFA237: CAN NOT!

MULDER: CAN TOO!

RFA237: CAN NOT!

MULDER: CAN TOO!

RFA237: CAN NOT!

MULDER: CAN NOT!

RFA237: CAN TOO!

MULDER: Good. I'm glad we agree. (snaps fingers. Security guards drag RFA237 away screaming.)

[MULDER and SCULLY meet up outside FBI HQ at 5:00AM the next morning. They're both exhausted but want to get this over with, so they decide to keep going through the day. They walk down the road a little ways, finally spotting a little girl jumping rope on the sidewalk. Her name is Random Child #1, but the agents don't know that yet. They stumble up to her, yawning and in need of coffee, showers, or sleep. Or all three.]

RC1: You guys smell bad.

SCULLY: Rude little girl. I will be happy to (yawn) arrest her.

MULDER: Little (yawn) girl, what is your name?

RC1: I'm (glances at script wrapped around jump rope) Random Child #1!

SCULLY: Great. More Random (yawn) whatever # (yawn) whatever people.

MULDER: I will be so glad when this is over with. Anyway, Random Child #1, do you know who Jackie Chan is?

RC1: Yep. I love those movies. Karate is cool! (does karate chop on MULDER's nose)

SCULLY: Ohmigod Mulder! Are you okay?

MULDER (clutching nose): Nooo…. I think she broke my (yawn) ow… nose.

SCULLY: SECURITY GUARDS! ARREST THIS RUDE, NASTY LITTLE GIRL!

[Security guards come and take her away. MULDER and SCULLY stumble around for a while (until 10:00 PM to be exact) before stumbling half-blindly into a motel and getting rooms. They sleep until about 10:00AM, which isn't very surprising when you consider they'd been up for about 36 hours.]

MULDER (knocking on SCULLY's door): Hey, Scully, you ready to go?

SCULLY: Yeah. (they walk outside and start the rounds)

MULDER: You know, this is really dumb. (Looks around for someone they haven't asked the fateful question yet)

SCULLY: Yes, I know, Mulder. You'd have to be stupid not to realize that this is the stupidest thing we've ever done.

MULDER: What does this have to do with the X-Files, anyway? Couldn't they get someone else to do it?

SCULLY: They probably could have, it's just that everyone hates you.

MULDER: Really?

SCULLY: Yeah, me excluded.

MULDER: That's too bad.

SCULLY: Mm-hmm.

MULDER: How about we just quit the FBI and you go back to being a doctor and I actually USE my Oxford education?

SCULLY: I wonder why we never thought of that before… Let's do it!

MULDER: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End


End file.
